Donegal mammy Maria Rushe poses the crucial question of why Babywipes and Weetabix don't mix.

Mammy loves the Babywipes.

Every parent loves the Babywipes, don’t they?

We really should thank the inventor of the Babywipes.

Apparently, the first Babywipe was invented in the 1950s and first produced by a company called Nice-Pak… Almost 70 years later, I’m sure that if the inventor of the Babywipes is still alive, he or she is rolling themselves in Babywipes every evening, breathing in the sweet, musky smell of their own genius.

So to them, (or to their ghost who is possibly reading this blog over someone’s shoulder?), thank you for the Babywipes.

Thank you from every Mammy in the world.

When Babywipes were born,? Mammies everywhere sighed in relief and danced a little pee-inducing dance with utter joy and thrill that FINALLY, there was a handy, disposable, multi-use Mammy tool.

Indeed I am sure the inventor of the Babywipe rubbed his or her happy hands together in glee when they realised that the Babywipes were going to become SO sought after, so cherished and so NECESSARY in the lives of parents EVERYWHERE.

Not only EVERYWHERE in the world, but EVERYWHERE in every parent’s world…the changing station, the baby bag, the handbag, the car, the office drawers…
Poo poo, Bum bum, Ching ching. ?

Another unbelievable use for Babywipes is, believe or not, cleaning grease. Have a layer of grease on the top of your kitchen cupboards or the mantle above your cooker? You know that kind that no product can remove?  Get out the bumwipes and watch it dissolve in front of you. I’m not even joking!

Babywipes can remove practically EVERYTHING!

But let me tell you ONE thing that the Babywipe inventors, and indeed the modern-day Babywipe producer omitted, and CONTINUE to omit, from their research and development.

 The one thing they UNDERESTIMATED…
Weetabix.

Yes. Another classic staple in every home. How the feck have Babywipe makers NOT yet figured out HOW to remove digested Weetabix from the peachy bottom of a wriggling Poopmonster is beyond me.

Have they not got edumacated sciency people formulating and developing the Babywipes in big sanitised laboratories somewhere near “Area Fiftybum”?

Do they not do fire tests and Delta force style strength tests or use sandblasting to ensure that these mammy weapons are durable?

Are there not product testers who tick off the list of “Things the Babywipe can dissolve and remove”, like:

?pee pee ✔

? baby spit ✔

? yoghurt  ✔

? mashed potato ✔

? makeup ✔

? ordinary, run of the mill Poonamis ✔

?digested blueberries…well…

? Pooped out weetabix… NOOOOOOOOOOO.

How is pooped out Weetabix NOT the TOP of the list?

Have the product testers NEVER cleaned the nether-regions of a wobbler who has eaten an average of 2 of the cardboardy biscuits a day?

I wonder if the sciency people would like a “Test bummy” to try to figure out how to fix the babywipes so that they CLEAN AND REMOVE the shards of poo, as opposed to pushing them around the soggy bottom, like little grains of sand that love to simply ROLL over the skin, clinging it like fecking mini-leeches to shiny, smooth glass…

I can offer the services of a Poopmonster.

Do you think if we mammies offered to help them to develop their technology further, could we call the research “The Big Bum Theory”?

I’m running out of bummy jokes and puns here. I didn’t have my Weetabix this morning, so I’m pretty wiped out…

Boom.  Or should that be Bum?